PolySciFi Blog

Saturday, April 30, 2005


Lorax Hunting Season

After issuing an unsuccessful ultimatum and discovering that many other bloggers are suffering under the same tree pollen assault, e.g., Spakkadi, Terry Kevin, Insanity, The Audhumlan Conspiracy, Rob Ainbinder, Brian Groce, and Mike, I've decided that we need to escalate the threats against the trees and their spokesman.

No, I'm not suggesting we engage in the retaliation I previously suggested - I tried it and it really doesn't work that well. Plus the neighborhood kids looked at me kind of oddly.

Instead, I suggest we eliminate the spokesman.

Less euphemistically, I want to shoot the Lorax.

Why, you ask (or perhaps more likely you didn't ask, but, please bear with my rhetorical flourishes), not shoot the trees - the actual source of my affliction and my inability to focus for the past week - instead of shooting their messenger?

To which I respond:
1) What? This is supposed to be a rational response?

2) Have you ever shot a tree? Doesn't phase the tree one bit. If a tree's coming at you, that Glock you have has ZERO stopping power. If experience has taught me nothing else (and I see where many of you are in agreement on that point), shooting trees solves nothing. I have somewhat higher expectations for the solutions created by shooting the Lorax.

3) It's traditional to kill the messenger. How do you think Rosencrantz and Guildenstern died?

4) A lever applied from the right place can move worlds. I believe the Lorax is the lever to change the trees behavior and I believe that a fear of death will be the lever to the Lorax.

5) Why not?
So having absolutely no authority whatsoever to issue such a declaration, I propose the following.

Each Spring during the tree pollen season shall be open season on Loraxes (Lorai?).

Now admittedly there are certain problems with this proposal, not least of which is the fact that the Lorax is a fictional character.

First, no state agency, as far as I know, issues licenses for hunting Loraxes. For instance Virginia mentions nothing about hunting Loraxes. Surely this is an oversight.

Second, sufferers from tree allergies hunting an animal that lives in the woods seems problematic at best. Imagine coming out to your tree stand to discover that it's gotten the "golden shower" treatment. Imagine trying to hold your rifle steady as you sneeze, cough, wheeze, and hack.

However, I know that if all of us tree pollen sufferers work together we can eliminate the source of our affliction.


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