PolySciFi Blog

Wednesday, May 25, 2005


How to Serve Man

Say you're a cannibal and you're recently decided to become a vegetarian. You can no longer eat the flesh of your vanquished enemies to gain their powers, or consume their souls, or get that soft sweet flavored meat that melts in your mouth like butter from the churns of heaven...

And the the cravings have started. Oh the cravings. It's enough to drive a vegetarian cannibal mad.

Well just in time for the beginning of grilling season comes Hufu - human flavored tofu. (h/t Marginal Revolution)
HufuTM is designed to resemble, as humanly possible, the taste and texture of human flesh. If you've never had human flesh before, think of the taste and texture of beef, except a little sweeter in taste and a little softer in texture. Contrary to popular belief, people do not taste like pork or chicken.
For the low low price of $11.98, you can buy 3.5 ounces of Hufu strips. Why, that's enough for a vegetarian cannibal feast! At least if all your vegetarian cannibal friends are Smurfs. (Did you ever notice that there were no Smurf graveyards?)

Of course, I've never liked any of the tofu meat substitutes because while close, they always taste noticeably different from the original meat item. (For me approximating the flavor of meat is like approximating a human face - being close but off is frequently more distasteful than being way off.) So I have my doubts on how close Hufu will come to matching the taste and texture of real human flesh and if it will satisfy the tastes of the discriminating cannibal. I am doubly doubtful about the approximation as the CEO/founder/inventor of Hufu has never eaten human flesh. But then again, I've also never eaten human flesh so I won't know any different.

So vegetarians, this Memorial Day, pass on the Boca burger and instead ask for the human flavored tofu by name - Hufu (or ask your local grocer, I'm sure they'll be thrilled to help).

In the meantime, I'll be eating a half pound of grilled cow.


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