Friday, January 14, 2005
Weekly World News Answers the Important Questions
On how to build a relationship for all those lovelorn guys out there...
Say you're working out and going to a gym and want to pick up a chick. What should you do? One bit of advice: If her biceps are bigger than yours, she guffaws loudly and gives fellow females "good job" spanks, odds are you're barking up the wrong tree.
Say you don't want to go to gym and still want to pick up a chick. Then you'll need to know Why do men with pot-bellies turn women on? Because it shows you care less about superficial issues like hygeine...
Now that you've picked your chick (note I have completely given up on the possibilty of a female readership by this point) and suppose your relationship has progressed to the point where you can stay home for a drink. So which is better? Beer or tea? Obviously beer. Duh.
If you made the right choices (beer) then you might just get married. And then on your wedding day, there's a question I'm sure crosses every man's mind, Was your wife once a man? (In my case, no. But for 14% of marriages...)
Finally suppose you've slipped up and commited adultery with your neighbor and are worried that it will keep you from getting your Heaven ticket punched? Answer: "It's a good idea to be buried with a sexy photograph of your lover," the expert advises. "If you show our Lord a pair of enormous jugs spilling out of a tube top, he might agree with you that the temptation was irresistible."
With these questions answered, you're sure to be able to successfully handle any relationship...
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Say you're working out and going to a gym and want to pick up a chick. What should you do? One bit of advice: If her biceps are bigger than yours, she guffaws loudly and gives fellow females "good job" spanks, odds are you're barking up the wrong tree.
Say you don't want to go to gym and still want to pick up a chick. Then you'll need to know Why do men with pot-bellies turn women on? Because it shows you care less about superficial issues like hygeine...
Now that you've picked your chick (note I have completely given up on the possibilty of a female readership by this point) and suppose your relationship has progressed to the point where you can stay home for a drink. So which is better? Beer or tea? Obviously beer. Duh.
If you made the right choices (beer) then you might just get married. And then on your wedding day, there's a question I'm sure crosses every man's mind, Was your wife once a man? (In my case, no. But for 14% of marriages...)
Finally suppose you've slipped up and commited adultery with your neighbor and are worried that it will keep you from getting your Heaven ticket punched? Answer: "It's a good idea to be buried with a sexy photograph of your lover," the expert advises. "If you show our Lord a pair of enormous jugs spilling out of a tube top, he might agree with you that the temptation was irresistible."
With these questions answered, you're sure to be able to successfully handle any relationship...
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