Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Why you don't appoint shadow cabinets
In his post, Jacob Levy (on volokh) made a very prescient point as to why you don't nominate a Shadow cabinet, sayng
"Every shadow-cabinet nominee is a scandal in the making."
Now Sandy Berger is pretty high up in the Kerry advisor team and if Kerry had an official Shadow Cabinet, would probably be his titled Shadow National Security Advisor. As such, he's just "a chief foreign policy advisor" to Kerry.
Well, as you probably know by now, Sandy's gone and made a scandal. Seems that he "accidentally" stuffed classified notes into his pants and spirited away (and then lost) several classified documents related to the Millenium report (that document that supposedly addresses the Clinton team's response to al Qaeda, which would've been led by Berger). To quote:
"Berger and his lawyer said Monday night he knowingly removed handwritten notes he had made while reading classified anti-terror documents at the archives by sticking them in his jacket and pants. He also inadvertently took copies of actual classified documents in a leather portfolio, they said."
Removing notes of classified documents is against the law and Berger knows that (and also knew that he took them). Removing classified documents (apparently not the first time time either, Berger did something similar on Oct 2 but the incident was kept on the down low).
So Berger's in a bit of hot water. Kerry is merely mildly uncomfortable, but would've been in hot water had he actually nominated a Shadow cabinet.
As is wont in the blogosphere, people, like vodkapundit are having fun with this. Rather than piling on, I think I'll offer (free of charge!) a defense for Berger that's sure to rank right up there with the Twinkie defense, the Chewbaca defense, and the Sicilian defense. (Ok I'm really piling on too).
I present to you the True Romance defense. (Note: I have no reason to think any of the following motives or thoughts ascribed to Sandy are true, but then again, putting forward a "truthful" defense is not the job of a defense lawyer, is it?)
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you may not know this, but Sandy Berger is an avid fan of movies. Particularly movies about the drug underworld written or directed by Quentin Tarrantino. Mr. Berger also has problems separating fiction from real life, a problem that was exacerbated during his stint in the Clinton whitehouse.1 You see, on the night in question, Mr. Berger had just watched True Romance. So when he left the secured room and encountered a guard, he flashed back to a scene from True Romance.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I submit to you this screenplay of True Romance. If the court stenographer could please read out the scene where Eliot and Kandy have just been pulled over for speeding, and have a bag of coke with them.
Elliot Blitzer is the driver, standing on it. A blond, glitzy Coke Whore is sitting next to him. They're having a ball. Then they're seeing a red and blue light flashing in the rear-view window. It's the cops.
ELLIOT Fuck! I knew it! I fucking knew it! I should have my head examined, driving like this! (he pulls over) Kandi, you gotta help me.
KANDI What can I do?
He pulls out the sample bag of cocaine that Clarence gave him earlier.
ELLIOT You gotta hold this for me.
KANDI You must be high. Uh-huh. No way.
ELLIOT (frantically) Just put it in your purse.
KANDI I'm not gonna put that shit in my purse.
ELLIOT They won't search you. I promise. You haven't done anything.
KANDI No way, JosÈ.
ELLIOT Please, they'll be here any minute. Just put it in your bra.
KANDI I'm not wearing a bra.
ELLIOT (pleading) Put it in your pants.
KANDI No.
ELLIOT You're the one who wanted to drive fast.
KANDI Read my lips.
She mouths the word "no".
ELLIOT After all I've done for you, you fuckin' whore!!
She goes to slap him, she hits the bag of cocaine instead. It rips open. Cocaine completely covers his blue suit. At that moment Elliot turns to face a flashing beam. Tears fill his eyes.
It was this very scene that flashed through Mr Berger's head when he left the secured room. And at that moment, Mr Berger disassociated from reality. Mr Berger was Kandy and he needed to hide the "stash." However, unlike Kandy, Mr Berger had learned what to do during his time in the whitehouse where this sort of scene was all too common.2 Though being quite fat, Mr Berger does not, in fact, wear a bra. Thus, Mr Berger's disassociation, his fascination with True Romance, his time in the Clinton whitehouse, and his sartorial circumstances forced Mr Berger to take those classified documents and "put em in his pants."
You see, Sandy Berger is not responsible for his actions, not in the way that Courtney Love was not responsible for her actions when she said, "The last thing I want to say is, 'I'm a victim', but I am. I believe it's a trickledown from Bush," but rather is not guilty in a very different and entirely legal sense.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am sure that many of you are also movie fans, and had you been subjected to the same pressures as Sandy Berger, you too could've easily disassociated. Maybe you would've killed Bambi's mom, maybe you would've invaded Canada - it all depends on your movie preferences.3
Sandy Berger was under enormous pressure. Sandy Berger was a fan of True Romance. Sandy Berger "put it in his pants." The connection is obvious.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I impore you to forgive Mr Berger of his understandable transgression. And if I may paraphrase the immortal words of Drexl from True Romance, the feds have told Sandy "Shit, man, you done fucked up again. Next time you bogart your way into the NSA's crib, an' get all in our face, make sure you do it on white boy day."
Sandy Berger is the whitest of white boys. Make today white boy day for Sandy Berger, and find Mr Berger not guilty of "putting it in his pants."Update
It's even worse than I thought. Sandy apparently kept some documents in his socks.
Footnotes
1. Ok, that's a cheap shot. But hey, you say what you gotta say to get your man off.
2. Ok, another cheap shot.
3. I sometimes get the feeling that polyscifi is actually a pop cultural movie site with an occasional political reference to appear substantive.
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